Don’t Panic When Life Does This

There is a lot happening in my life right now, and the key to me not completely losing my mind is the many books I read. Some, I’ve read hundreds of times, others, just once. I feel overwhelmed and a bit broken. My musings are negative, and I’m trying to be a more positive person. I’m diving hard into the spiritual side of life, and what it means to be someone I once thought I WAS.

I had this vision in my head that I was this very awesome writer. The kind people wanted to read. The young, dynamic and cool writer. Not maybe the next big thing, but somewhat a success. Hell, I published two books, so that should be saying something. I thought it would be okay to help someone else.

Well, I was wrong.

On all fronts, I paid a harsh price, lying toxic people and betrayal. Most of it I brought on myself. I panicked and gave myself more illusions. No, I am not this very awesome writer. Sure I published a book or two, but the level I needed to keep it at wasn’t there. I make mistakes just like the next person and I have trouble seeing them for what it is. I have trouble with keeping my commitments, and like to just inch along. I’m the dreamer, and the person who wants to be the doer. I helped someone else but I didn’t set boundaries. I figured I can always come back. After all, who doesn’t want to help another fellow human?

So, my life isn’t where it can be and it isn’t as good as I might want it to be, but that is the nature of life. Panic will set in when life doesn’t follow what you think you want. The illusion that you are something you aren’t is not the best if you don’t want to admit that there is a problem. The only journey is slow growth and a way to find out if you are doing better.

I can take time, but it is a luxury I don’t have. I have to keep moving forward and stop dreaming. I can’t fake it until I make it, as cliche as it sounds. I can’t panic that I am only getting something akin to pennies and not dollars without the effort I need to give. I don’t have that anymore. A small blog post of 500 words will do. I can’t panic when it doesn’t gain traction.

It’s life. It sucks I’m once again starting from the bottom because I panicked and didn’t want to accept I have a track record of go, stop, stop. My life is mine to control. I don’t have a voice yet, I hid it for far too long, one day I will. I will publish another book. I can’t be accepting of bread crumbs when I need to focus on a slice of bread. If I don’t improve I am showing people yet again, I fail…. again. Then the panic and hurt will set in. Wait…

I know there is meaning to life, and although I am stripped of many illusions I’m not about to break down in a toddler temper. I can be better than that. Life is showing me a better path, not by setting crazy big goals. It’s by simply to breath and talk with some care.