When Writing is Tough…and Publishing is Something Like a Dream
May 16, 2013
There is a time when you begin to wonder if what you do is worth all the trouble. There are times when you sit and try to think about how much work you put into your writing, and then nothing. It is the feeling you get when you have very little energy and very little in the way of “looking on the bright side.” I find that these days it is harder to push myself to write.
It’s not because I can’t find anything to write, but that I can’t find a “reason” to write. I have enough people telling me that my writing was a phase, or something that maybe I should give up on. I have enough people telling me that perhaps I should find something more… lucrative. I can see where they are coming from all too well.
The problem is not so much that I can block these voices out, but it is the fact that I am finding it hard to do anything. I am finding it harder to push myself to get my next book done. I am double thinking what I write, and I spend my time wondering when these mist-like days will end.
It’s not as easy as it may seem to write this blog post, I would normally take about 20 minutes to write it and then another 20 to edit it; all it takes is 40 minutes. This time, I would say that the blog post itself is taking closer to an hour and by the end I am drained, and I can’t seem to push myself to write more.
It’s not about my readers, but rather a sense of balance that is lacking in my writing. Some people will call it a “zone” where you write and then edit and still have energy to continue to write more. Some writers can sit down and do more than one thing at a time, and still have something left to give so that when the deadline comes they have the energy to balance another book and plans to write and publish another one.
I can’t seem to do that.
I understand, at least the “idea” that it is not me, but rather depression is what I am fighting against, and that each step I take means that I can begin once again, to earn a living writing. At this point I am grateful for my readers, and the people who have emailed me their kind thoughts. It has helped. Depression is a lonely battle, especially when you are a writer.
I have to write, but I also have to share that writing is tough right now, and that it is a good thing that balance is a bit easier now I am feeling better. Writing can be challenging but, it is also something that I find brightens my day.